A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?