It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.