“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
my favorite genre of twitter
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?