I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?