Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.