because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
OH. COME. ON.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*skinny dips into black hole
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.