I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.