This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I bet
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!