Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today