So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
You Might Also Like
I want this so bad
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”