I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.