I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.