Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
water it, i dare you
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”