My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
getting old is fun
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Cause of death: Zumba
and now we wait
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.