Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man