I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Would you wear it?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
fixed it
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.