Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie