You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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You learn something every day
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
seems fine
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Stop it! 😂
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades