Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Terribly Tuesday.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.