You’re the water to my grease fire.
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
This will never not be funny to me.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone