5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”