Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Animal poetry
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”