I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Meow
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Friday
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*