This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Boom, boom, ching!
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours