My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.