ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
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Incredible customer service.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
omg leave her alone