It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I cannot stop laughing at this
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars