“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
🤣🤣
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.