If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.