The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Swedish for common sense.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5