police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Damn what did I do next
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment