My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.