I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work