This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.