I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I wish I could veto my bills.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t