William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Need this in my life lol
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.