I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I see your IQ test came back negative
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
This has made my week.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild