Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on