opening a flower shop called women in stem
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience