Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”