ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
No. He’s not coming out to play
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
How dramatic are you?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.