Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.