Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You Might Also Like
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Oh no
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how