News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Good boy 😂😂
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”