*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’m not proud
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share