The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Things will get butter, keep churning
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?