My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.