FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Posting this on behalf of a friend
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.