Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”