Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
You Might Also Like
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.